Blog #4

Missed last night. Remembered. Forgot. Remembered. Forgot. Sound familiar? This is why I committed to consecutive days - so I would remember, and correcting form forgetting would be easier somehow.

I was going to write about this: How often I wake up and feel the lurch back to things as they are and then I had been once again existing in the field of the imaginal - if only, what if, my mind and imagination committed to a made up world - not totally, and not crazily, not believing it - even still, the part within that was doing this, was really deeply hoping, and my how difficult it could be to live in the real for that part of me.

It seems, in this life, I went between how things should be and I how I wished they could be, back and forth, back and forth. What a journey, and so much pain in landing in real life, the pain being in the difference between the two existences and also in getting into the skin that allows this real one to be, because without it's never any fun.

One recent morning I woke up with this, and caught myself there, in the made up, and felt the lurch back in, towards..., and instead of being sad or disappointed, or fearful of feeling awful and painful, I landed with a sigh, took a big breath and welcomed the world into me, pain, laughter, tension, drudgery, all of it. It has been easier since then.

I hope I don't regret writing this in such a hurry.